Naming isn’t easy when we have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). For us, names carry layers of meaning and complexity that mirror our experience of having multiple identities within one body. Choosing and using names can be confusing, and it’s one of the many unique challenges that come with living with DID.
Often, many of those within us do not identify with our body’s legal name, which has been our experience. Amber is our former host, the person most often out in the world, and while others were there too, it’s Amber’s name that people still associate with all of us. But as the system has revealed itself, those of us who are present now are no longer the ones who lived that life. I, Berlou, didn’t experience the outside world until after our system’s reveal. Mia, however, is a different version of someone who did, though she is not the same person who lived with Amber.
When we start finding each other, we can have many selves present as we unravel. We can come out knowing our name, which happened for a few of us, or we might have no idea of what our name is or who we are. Choosing a name can be hard, and our selves have picked names based on how they feel, things they like, or just a name they liked. Sometimes we might pick a name in minutes or seconds, other times it’s taken days or weeks.
Tiger, for instance, picked her name, or knew her name, in minutes of being present, while an older version of herself, now Stef, ruminated for days and days trying to find a name she felt fitted. In the end, she gave up and settled for Stef (she was originally Tiffany, but after healing and fusions, that no longer felt right, and it was an introjected name - her original persona [mask? identity?] was from a British soap character from the 90’s.)
Even when we all have names, and can recognise who we are when we are present, names are still difficult for many reasons. For us we’re often blended, so if someone calls us Mia, even if Mia is present, it still doesn’t feel right, because others within us can feel unseen - even though we understand we cannot be seen… We only have one face, after all.
For a long time, we’ve wanted a collective name, one that anyone can use to speak to any/all of us, finding that name has been incredibly hard. Ideally, it would be Amber, which is our name, but we are not Amber, and the name stings, reminding us we are not who we should be.
Over the years we’ve pondered many, and recently have finally chosen one we will hopefully, ultimately, all be comfortable with. Astrid is one of our selves, she was one of the few that did already know her name. We were thinking about her name and that we like it, but Astrid won’t work for us, because Astrid is one of us. Someone within suggested Astra, and I think there was immediate approval, even though for us the first thing we think of is the car!
We did some googling, and found that Astra has fascinating meanings. In Latin, astra is the nominative plural of Astrum, which means star. We like that we’ve found a name that is, in some ways, similar to Amber (the A and R sounds), but is also different. It captures the idea of being plural, yet singular in appearance - like us.
The Latin phrase ad astra per aspera means "to the stars through hardships", which resonates for us, which we are sure others with DID will understand. In Hinduism, an astra is a divine weapon of immense power, created through mantra and energy - a symbol of resilience.
We don’t need a collective name very often at the moment, but having it feels like a relief. After all this time, we have a name we can all use and feel comfortable with.
~ Astra (Berlou)