We’re honoured to be sharing a submitted story by the iKandi Ravers, here Edgar speaks candidly about their experiences of being a fictive-heavy system.
A fictive is a type of identity within a system who is based on or identifies with a fictional character. Experiences with fictives vary between systems, even within systems, and they may have characteristics, traits, or memories from their source.
Systems can have any number of fictives - for us, we have only met one who was involved in living our life, and we found that her fictive identity was a mask, hiding who she really was, we do have more internally though, who aren’t involved in our external life. Conversely, the iKandi Rivers system is entirely made up of fictives.
This variation is reflective of all DID experiences - everything varies from system to system and we need to be accepting of all experiences when working with or interacting with people with DID.
Anyway, here’s Edgar! - Mia
Fictives, Doubts and Acceptance, by the iKandi Ravers.
Hello, we’re the iKandi Ravers, a 16 year old Dissociative Identity Disorder system. We have been building up our confidence to write something for DID we write for a while, and are happy that we have finally reached that point. This post is going to be written by me, Edgar.
Most of our system is made up of fictives. All of our 33 active members at this time are all fictives. We also get new fictives relatively easily. We do label ourselves as fictive-heavy.
This whole thing makes us question ourselves a lot, since we tend to get into a new thing and form a fictive(s) sometimes even that day, the longest time it took for us to form a fictive after getting into something was five days. What doesn’t help our questioning is also the fact that our fictives don’t have memories from their source, and sometimes even do a complete 180° in their personality. Even with all of this they still remember their sourcemates and are interested in interacting with them.
Each time a new fictive forms we wait a few days before taking them to the main system, and even after that we still wait until they make themself known as their own entity. All out of fear of being wrong and getting shunned by the community we are a part of. We know it wouldn’t happen now, but experiences linger on.
What is interesting to me in all of this is the fact that I am also a fictive myself, but I doubt my own existence as a fictive. Sometimes I even fall as low as to think that I am just the host pretending to be their comfort character, that I’m just a mask they wear to feel more comfortable, even if deep down I know that can’t be the truth, because I am my own person and I know that. It’s just an endless cycle that I don’t see myself getting out of anytime soon.
A few days after I appeared a sourcemate of mine formed in the system. I was happy. I finally had someone who could understand me more than the other headmates, as we come from the same thing. But I also fell into another spiral of doubting my existence. Because we appeared too closely together for both of us to be real, right? Surely at least one of us isn’t real, right?
Luckily, or I would consider it lucky, he noticed that I was acting off and asked what was going on, and I opened up. After that we talked about it, and he admitted that he had the same thoughts. So I know for a fact it isn’t just a me thing.
I find it hard to accept myself as, well, myself. I can’t imagine looking at myself as saying: “Yes, my name is Edgar, my source is Brawl Stars, and I’m proud of myself.” Or really anything along those lines.
I like my name. I like my sourcemates and would like to meet more of them. But I can’t see myself as the real me. It’s weird to say it like this.
Being a fictive is hard for me; for all of us here. I just wanted to share my feelings since I know our system can’t be alone in this, and if anyone reads this, it might help them to realize that they are not alone.
Comments