The Grief No One Talks About - by E. Pluribus Unum Collective.

We're honoured to be sharing some beautiful and heartfelt words from our friends, E. Pluribus Unum Collective, about the many griefs they live with.

Nobody talks much about the grief of losing control of your body. The grief of slowly disappearing from the world. I have experienced so many forms of grief in my 44 years on this planet. I was adopted as a baby and have grieved not being raised by my birth parents. My dad died when I was 14. I still grieve him today. I have grieved the loss of a child through pregnancy loss at age 25 and the grief of losing homes to foreclosure and fire.

I grieved the end of my marriage to a wonderful man and simultaneously grieved the life I knew when I got sober. I grieved an end of a relationship due to addiction and the grief of being homeless and jobless. I grieved the reality of living with a dissociative disorder and it's effect on my entire world. I've grieved as a mother whose children are now growing up and spreading their wings.

But I haven't fully grieved the fact that I'm slowly losing my mobility and my ability to participate in life.

I spend most days laying on the couch or in bed. The act of getting up to go to the bathroom is exhausting. I take 3 hour naps every day to get through till bedtime. I need assistance in a lot of my activities. The once strong woman with a fearless attitude and push through mentality is gone. I miss her most days. I can get outside 2-3 days a week for an hour at most, knowing that it will effect me for days afterward.

Mostly I go out for my kids or to a meeting because they are worth the exhaustion afterward. I miss people. I miss connecting with others and having deep conversations with other humans that share this planet with me. I don't talk about the overwhelming grief and isolation because most can't understand. That's my therapists job, right? I am the caretaker, the doer, the helper, and now I need others in these roles for my own self.

I don't allow myself to dream anymore because it's heartbreaking to realize that most of my dreams are in the past. Travel, working, owning a business, dancing, hiking...the list is too numerous, too overwhelming to think about for long.

I keep a smile on my face so you don't see behind it. You don't see how much effort that smile takes. You don't see the internal fight for the smallest of joys. You don't see the doctors appts that end in disappointment, the struggle to survive on disability aide that barely covers the bills, the lack of options for disabled individuals, and the sheer exhaustion of accepting a life I never thought I'd live. The internal battle to love this body as it is.

Yes, there are blessings. I mostly talk about those. Choosing to be grateful for the simplest of things. A safe home, a loving husband, the best kids on the planet, plant babies, a dog that worships me, a God who is so very present and loves me as I am.

But the grief. Nobody talks about it. So I am now.

You can find more from E. Pluribus Unum Collective here on Instagram and their singer songwriter page, Prose Garden.